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391). Timothy Ward's Great Coloring Book Rebirth By : Timothy Ward
I bought a coloring book yesterday from Wal-Mart. I hadn't colored in years and I got the strange urge to out of the blue. I also bought a 24-pack of Crayola crayons. The box says they are non-toxic which is a relief. I just wonder who sells the toxic crayons and how they compare in price to the crayons I bought. Some people may consider having a r...
392). You may be in love if... By : Jan Michaels
One of the most common human experiences that two or more (depending on how ambitious you are) people can share is love. But, it’s not always easy to tell if you are in like, lust or full blown, forever loving. With that in mind, I’ve created this list of signs that you may be crazy in love!
1. If you’ve ever stared deeply into the eye...
393). Songwriter Confessions #2 By : Bill Dollar
Any real Beatle fan knows that Stu Sutcliffe was the original bass player,who died of a brain embolism before the Beatles became famous. But what if it hadn’t been Stu with the deadly weakness, but rather…?
There is very little time left now. The meeting will take place in a matter of hours: an event so significant for future generatio...
394). Misspelled Scriptures By : J Square Humboldt
One way to confirm that cyberspace is the great equalizer is to observe the quality of editing that exists ...
I am truly amazed at the mangling endured by the English language on a significant number of sites. It's fair to assume that this malady has its roots in short attention spans during the school years. As a result, accuracy is ...
395). Medical Researcher Discovers Cause Of Asinine Behavior By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
There you are, talking to someone, who, you assume, is intelligent. Then, quite unexpectedly, he or she says something that makes you realize that, like it or not, you’re talking to an ass.
Now, a researcher believes he has accounted for the sudden turn of events. In an article in the prestigious New England Journal of Medical Hot Flas...
396). Valentine's Day for Dummies By : Charlie Hatton
Saint Valentine's Day rolls around just once a year. And if you've been married as long as I have, your chances for sex don't come much more often. 'There's always next year' is a fine mantra for a Cubs fan or a Libertarian, but not for a lover. So don't miss your amorous opportunity this time around -- heed the following Valentine's ...
397). Baby Boomers Moderate Exercise; Notice Scarcity of Seniors In Marathons By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Baby boomers, who exercise more than any generation before them, have been flocking to orthopedic surgeons to tend to their aching tendons and joints.
As news of the growing need for surgical intervention spread, a number of boomers have found the willpower to moderate the intensity of their workout routines.
Personal expe...
398). Bin Laden Releases Another Audiotape: Hideout Too Dark For Video By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Apparently, unable to contain his enthusiasm for bumming out the relatively nice and unsuspecting folks who make up much of the Western World, the misinformed medievalist has released another drearily threatening audiotape. Since the combined political, military, and intelligence resources of the civilized world cannot locate the potato head, we su...
399). Saddam Hussein Seeks Mcdonald's Francise By : Tom AtteaNewsLaugh.com
Saddam Hussein, in his latest bid to escape execution for crimes against his own people, has applied to McDonald’s for a franchise. The application is widely regarded as a move by his defense team to convince the court that, if his life is spared, he will be a model citizen in the Iraq of the future.
In his application, Hussein states ...
400). The Illogical Puppet Of Iran: Any Chance Of Getting The Little Guy A New Script? By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
First, we learned to say and spell the puppet’s name: Armadinejad. Not exactly Smith. Then we watched him perform upon a crafty mullah’s knee. We have been patient, like any fair-minded audience, but the more we listen, the more we realize that the puppet has a script that just doesn’t make sense.
He raises one hand and, without the mu...
401). Gas Prices Go "Gas-tronomical!" By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Recently, the price of gas has gone up approximately three or four times a day, depending on how energetic the person is who climbs up and changes the prices at your favorite filling station, until the only word for the skyrocketing astonishment is "gas-tronomical!”
President Bush took a bold stance on the issue, saying, ““Americans un...
402). Just Horsing Around By : Deanna Mascle
1. What is the fear of horses called?
A. Hippophobia
B. Riddiophobia
C. Sadlophobia
D. Equiphobia
A. Hippophobia
TBD: Hey, you know we dosn't make this stuff up, right?!?
2. Which is NOT a form of horse racing?
A. Flat racing
B. Harness racing
C. Steeplechasing
D. Hop-s...
403). Chinese Leader Visits U. S. Shops For Sneakers By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Hu Jintao, the leader of China, began his four-day trip to the United States by doing something that made him feel right at home. Landing in Seattle, he was driven immediately to a Footlocker, where he purchased a pair of Nike sneakers. He proudly held them up to the camera, displaying the label on the inside of the tongue that heralded, “Made in C...
404). More things I have learned By : Jan Michaels
Growing old does have one benefit ... experience. So, I am continuing here to share my vast pool of knowledge. Of course my girlfriend can't resist telling me I need to clean the pool, but heres the list anyway.
1. If you do anything that gets your hands wet, soapy or dirty, your nose WILL itch.
2. When you give your email...
405). Political Humor: Are You A Dittohead? By : Britt Gillette
Years ago, Rush Limbaugh coined the term "adult beverages" to refer to alcoholic drinks. Yet millions of dittoheads across the Fruited Plain lacked a guide for making the best adult beverages. So I created The Dittohead's Guide to Adult Beverages, a collection of humorous dittohead recipes such as the Rio Linda Rouser, EIB Ecstasy Elixir, Club G'it...
406). Don't Talk to Me About 'Life' By : Charlie Hatton
Some say life is like a box of chocolates, because 'you never know what you're going to get'.
These people are idiots. Who the hell adopts a quote from a 'slow' movie character as their personal credo, anyway? Sure, I watched Forrest Gump. I watched Rain Man, too, but you don't see me nodding sagely and proclaiming, 'I...
407). Nightclub For Baby Boomes Raided; Patrons Nabbed For Dropping Antacid By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
A trendy new nightclub that caters to baby boomers who find themselves unexpectedly single was raided by police last night. Acting on a tip from a twenty-something couple who entered the hotspot by accident, police were able to determine that many of the partying patrons were dropping antacid.
The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, cl...
408). Ken Lay Explains Behavior With Poem From Childhood: "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep." By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Ken Lay, the famously charming Texan from dirt-poor beginnings, who rose to be the toast of Houston before Enron, the company he founded, became toast, finally took the stand this week and, as expected, performed in his winning manner.
He based his defense for the debacle that occurred under his chairmanship on a poem that he maintains...
409). Met Meets Greece's Request; Returns Ancient Toilet Seats By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, having recently agreed to return one of the finest vases in its collection from the Classical Age of Ancient Greece, has also consented to return the collected toilet seats from the ancient Cretan port city of Ephesus.
The decision has come as a welcome relief to the Greek tourist board, whose embarrasse...
410). Things I have learned By : Jan Michaels
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. But if you do, sleep in the bathtub ...
If you are extremely drunk and swear you will never drink too much again, you will forget this when you are sober.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieve...
411). U. S. Ends Oil Dependency; Turns B. S. Into Fuel By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
While America is experiencing a gasoline shortage, the nation’s dependence on foreign oil is about to end.
A researcher at The Department of Energy, from which breakthrough ideas emanate on a regular basis, noticed that Americans, along with most people who ever lived, have a virtually unlimited and renewable supply of B. S. He wondere...
412). Proof Tax Laws Faulty: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Set To Declare Bankruptcy By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
As the distribution of wealth in America becomes increasingly skewed toward the wealthiest 7% or so of the population, where we find more and more resplendently bedecked billionaires, the income of the other 93% of the populace continues to go the way of wealthiest.
The growing destitution of this significant segment of the population ...
413). Basketball For Short People: Basket To Be Lowered By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Since the 1950s, when short but fast players had a chance of making it onto a professional court – such as the legendary Bob Cousy of the Boston Celtics, known for startling innovations like dribbling and passing behind the back – the sport has been dominated by ever taller athletes, starting with the arrival of Wilt, The Stilt, Chamberlain.
...
414). The Finer Points of Poverty By : Timothy Ward
I'm poor. And I'm not ashamed of it. Actually, I'm kind of proud of myself for being poor. It's an accomplishment that many people will never attain. Some people will go through their whole life and never know what it's like to experience some of the finer points of poverty like eating ramon noodles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 5 days a week. M...
415). Microsoft Vista To Support Only Microsoft Products; Denies Monopolistic Intent By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Microsoft announced today that its new Vista operating system would support only products made by Microsoft.
The announcement immediately set off a tsunami of furious responses from all the other software companies and a renewed sharp eye from regulatory authorities.
The company effusively denied that the move is in any wa...
416). Conversation In An Age Of Confusion By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
What do people talk about when they all believe different things and nobody is sure what the other person believes?
Then you add to that the usual courtesy that most people don’t want to offend other people, especially when it comes to the topics people disagree about with the most intensity, such as politics and religion, which all bu...
417). Cell Phones and the Dentist By : Cynthia Pinsonnault
Don't you just hate people who talk on their cell phones while they drive? Blindly babbling away, not paying attention to the road, endangering everyone nearby … so inconsiderate.
Anyway, today while I was chatting on the phone and driving to the dentist, I got a tiny bit distracted and turned onto the wrong road … twice. But I cleverl...
418). Malice In “I Wonder Who I Am” Land By : God's Penman
For many years I maintained confidence in my personal identity. I knew exactly who I was and was quite comfortable in my skin. Although, I must confess my skin used to fit me better than it does these days.
Recently several things happened to shake this confidence in my person. I don’t know about anyone else, but I take pride in my per...
419). Clever Mayor Roy Nagen: Has Runoff Election With White Guy Who Looks Just Like Roy Himself By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
We wouldn’t even hazard a guess at the odds against such a outcome, but the runoff election in New Orleans looks about as bizarre as anything you’re likely to see even in the Mardi Gras.
Roy Nagen, the Mr. Malaprop of mayoral politics, who alienated white voters when he voiced the proud hope of making the city, in the wake of Katrina, ...
420). Another Dracula, Another Flop By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
This week Warner Brothers joined the Walt Disney company in attempting to transform Broadway from a venue with a whisper of hope for social relevance into one that presents works that are the intellectual equivalent of Mickey Mouse caper.
If Disney could do it with, for example, The Lion King, why couldn’t Warner Brothers find a proper...
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