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361). How I Feel About Pirates By : Charlie Hatton
Pirates are BAD because they steal booty from other people. The only people that should get to steal booty from other people is me. Also, I should get a pet parrot. And get to say, 'Arrrrr!' whenever I want.
Pirates are GOOD because when I do pretend I have a pet parrot, and I walk around saying, 'Arrrrr!...
362). TV Stars - Really? They Started on the Legit Stage By : Paul_Mroczka
TV Stars - Really? They Started on the Legit Stage
363). Gone Fishing For Trivia By : Deanna Mascle
1. We all know that fish travel in schools, but do you know some other plural fishey names?
A. Clutch
B. Shoal
C. Draft
D. Wave
E. All of the above
F. None of the above
G. B and C
G. B and C
TBD: It should have been wave though, don't you think?
2. Can you name the phobia tha...
364). The Blonde Joke's On Us: The Dumbest Woman On Earth Was Not A Blonde By : Dianne James
I've lived my entire adult life with "dumb blonde" jokes. Whoever started them, probably spawned by pornographers allured by Marylyn Monroe types (probably with dyed hair), should be locked up in a room with a hundred blonde professional women on a month-long sabbatical from bad bosses. Think he'd make it out alive? I think he (or she) definitely b...
365). Sweet Trap By : Kevin N
Last week, I came across a voice chat room, which was full of impressive nicknames. From the beginning, I started to notice an Asian female because of her appealing voice and her interesting way of telling love stories. “It must be a very cute girl”, I thought.
She was a talent storyteller. I kept wondering how she could master almost ...
366). Rush Limbaugh Humor: 2 Adult Beverage Recipes Any Dittohead Will Love By : Britt Gillette
During the course of his celebrated career, Rush Limbaugh invented the term "adult beverages" to refer to alcoholic drinks so as not to offend mothers with young children listening to the show. But no insight was given on where to find the best dittohead adult beverages. That's why I created The Dittohead's Guide to Adult Beverages, a political hum...
367). Man Loses Memory; Shows Up At Emergency Room By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
A frantic businessman rushed into the emergency room, threw his attaché case on the reception desk, and exclaimed, “Nurse, I need help!”
The noise woke her up, and she said, “What?”
“This is an emergency!” he said.
“You’ll have to take your place in line,” she informed him.
“What line?” he replied...
368). Rural Relocation – Considerations and Adjustments By : Nola L. Kelsey
So you’re thinking about going country? It’s time to abandon the frenzy of city life, drop the ‘G’ from the end of your verbs and trade your Gucci for goats. You long to be in a place where business is done on a handshake, where your backyard is bountiful and where folks welcome you with warm apple pie and a smile. You want the simple life.
...
369). The Headless Horseman Of Mass Media: Information Everywhere, Philosophy Nowhere By : Tom AtteaNewsLaugh.com
Did you ever notice that we’re surrounded by information but hardly ever come across an idea in the media that might help us lead sane and happy lives? Oh, not the usual self-help drivel about how to lose weight or enjoy sex, but answers to the really big questions, like what to think about when you wake up in the morning and how to drink water out...
370). The Good Old Days Are Gone By : Charlie Hatton
I yearn for a simpler time. Life in this modern age can be frustrating and scary, what with the global warming and the bad cholesterol and the high-definition reruns of 'The Nanny'. I long for a more peaceful existence, free from the complications of the twenty-first century lifestyle. I'm ready to re-adopt a few of our long-forgotten tradit...
371). Despite Hurricane Season, Weather Still Better Than On Moon By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
While last year’s hurricane season made people who reverberate with manifestations of climate change shake their heads at the thunderous weather, we must admit that, despite its destructive force, the weather remained significantly better than that to be found on our placidly windless neighbor, the moon.
Actually, having ascertained be...
372). Pope to Rule On Condoms And AIDS; May Consult People With Hands-On Experience By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Pope Benedict, taking an unexpected and courageous step, has asked for recommendations from fellow ecclesiastics about whether or not a couple, in which one member has AIDS, may use condoms for the prevention of disease.
We assume, however, for the greater glorification of the Church, that neither he nor his advisers are at the expert ...
373). 5 Reasons Why You Should Quit Your Day Job By : Timothy Ward
Most of us would stop working if we could. We constantly dream about it, but that's about as far as we get-dreaming. Working a 9-5 just seems inevitable. I, Timothy Ward, however am a master at defying the inevitable. I stare 'The Inevitable' in the face and call him dirty names. I say, if you want to stop working, STOP WORKING; I'll even give you ...
374). Rumsfeld Appoints Self Retired General; Rushes To Own Defense By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Donald Rumsfeld, under fire from a platoon of retired generals who have called for his resignation, went on the offensive by appointing himself a retired general.
Accompanied by a currently employed general, who, as the head of The Joint Chiefs Of Staff, is his usual sidekick, he stated, “As The Secretary of Defense, I think I should a...
375). Diary Complaints By : John Sammon
My wife keeps a diary, and sometimes leaves it open with the last entry in view on the coffee table. I'm a person who wouldn't want to read another person's diary, even my wife's, diaries being personal. But out of a corner of my eye, on the diary page, I saw my name. I couldn't help reading.
"I can't let John's negativity get to me," ...
376). Hispanic Immigrants Demonstrate; "Illegal" Not In Spanish Dictionary By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Hispanic immigrants demonstrated by the thousands about what they claim is their right to become citizens of the land of the gringo.
While we welcome the effort of everyone who wishes to become a citizen of our free and frazzled nation, we did note that there appeared to be no distinction made between immigrants who reside here in plac...
377). Good News for Goofballs By : Charlie Hatton
I've found that there's a gap in the set of self-help and how-to books available. Sure, there are books to improve your outlook, and boost your self-esteem. If you want to learn to cook, or start a business, or patent your idea for self-buttering waffles, there are books to help you. And if you happen to be a dummy -- well, there are entire shelves...
378). Trout Season Opens: Fishermen Wade In, Trout Leap Out By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Trout season opened once again on or about April 15th, which is about as early as winter’s icy topping breaks up and floats away from our waterways.
This year, as every year, fishermen by the thousands celebrated the occasion by wading in streams, creeks, and brooks to seek the wily residents. Feeling crowded by all the booted legs, th...
379). The Illogical Puppet Of Iran: Any Chance Of Getting The Little Guy A Better Script? By : Tom AtteaNewsLaugh.com
First, we learned to say and spell the puppet’s name: Armadinejad. Not exactly Smith. Then we watched him perform upon a crafty mullah’s knee. We have been patient, like any fair-minded audience, but the more we listen, the more we realize that the puppet has a script that just doesn’t make sense.
He raises one hand and, without the mu...
380). France Attacks Iran: U. S. And Britain Object By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
France, casting aside its usual insistence on diplomacy, even when it’s obvious to every person who happens to be alert that it can’t work, finally grew impatient with Iran’s centrifuge-rattling behavior and launched a unilateral attack on it.
As French mirage jets swooped down on Iran’s nuclear facilities and French troops launched a ...
381). Sun Will Only Burn For 5 Billion More Years; Humans Express Concern By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
We are often reminded that the sun will only shine in a way that can support life way out here on the earth for only about another five billion years. Sensing the eventuality of the cataclysm, we’re easily inclined to express our concern, along with our sympathetic distress for those far-off folks who will be standing on the earth when old Father S...
382). Government Study Shows Decrease In Buying Power Of Dollar; Now Equal To Penny By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
The U. S. Department of Treasury has done a reevaluation of the currency and determined that the buying-power of the dollar bill is now the exact equivalent of what the buying power of a penny once was.
As a result, it appears that the long-endangered penny has finally met its meltdown.
The study also revealed that the fut...
383). The Topless CPA By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Todd, out of town on business and looking for a bit of comfort, knew he was in trouble when the topless dancer he just couldn’t say no to slipped his next twenty into her silver garter, and, with a twinkle in her green eyes, asked, “Would you like to go to the champagne room? It’s more private in there.”
Although this was Todd’s first ...
384). Major Software Innovation: Same Tasks In All Programs Will Be Done With Same Clicks By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Writing software, once a form of individual proclivity, is about to be, at least in its most common functions, daringly standardized.
The innovative initiative has been dubbed "A Uniform Standard For Dumb Simple Tasks."
While the group that has put forward the radical suggestion has no way of enforcing it, widespread adopt...
385). Under A Cuban Moon By : Bill Dollar
HAVANA,May 20 (www.cubanet.org) - Cuban authorities have implemented strict security measures at the embarkation points for the small ferries crossing Havana bay.Now, before boarding, all passengers must go through a metal detector. Newly posted signs warn passengers they can’t carry furniture or birthday cakes…
You know how it is on a...
386). How NOT to handle bad breath By : Kingston Amadan
We've all been there. You round the corner to your cubical ready to start the day's work when you are suddenly accosted by the familiar stench of a co-worker's bad breath.
"Here we go again...", you think. "Another 'H'-filled tirade that won't ever permeate my ears because I'm too busy trying to keep it from permeating my nose."...
387). Bathroom Palacial By : John Sammon
I had to play a joke on the maid at a hotel where I was staying. You know that little paper wrapper they place over the toilet seat, that thin paper band that is supposed to convince you that the facility is clean. You normally take the paper band off and throw it away when you go to use the john. Instead, I saved mine and each morning before leavi...
388). Amazing Trivia Part 1 By : Jan Michaels
I admit it .. I LIKE trivia, tho it serves no purpose for me since I can never remember any to bring up in conversation. But still, it is fun, so I've created this list of amazing trivia that I found to be absolutely riveting.
1. Snails can sleep up to 3 years.
Not so amazing actually since I managed to sleep thru 6 years of jr. ...
389). Russia Defends Iranian Nuke Program; Considers Position Good Customer Service By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
While the civilized world has reacted with horror at Iran’s plan to harness the energy of the atom, as in bombs away, Russia has steadfastly defended the menacing mullahdom’s nuclear ambitions.
At first, any person distinguished for responsible behavior is taken back by such apparently reckless advocacy, not only because it seems wildl...
390). Robin's Rainbow By : Dianne James
When my daughter was very young, one night she was saying her prayers. She paused and asked me, "Mom, if I pray for a rainbow, will God make one?" Well, what could I say? Anyone who can part the Red Sea, can make a rainbow for a six-year-old. I hem-hawed around for a few seconds, and then told her that, yes, if she believed... Then I thought, "What...
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