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91). Political Humor: Are You A Dittohead? By : Britt Gillette
Years ago, Rush Limbaugh coined the term "adult beverages" to refer to alcoholic drinks. Yet millions of dittoheads across the Fruited Plain lacked a guide for making the best adult beverages. So I created The Dittohead's Guide to Adult Beverages, a collection of humorous dittohead recipes such as the Rio Linda Rouser, EIB Ecstasy Elixir, Club G'it...
92). Don't Talk to Me About 'Life' By : Charlie Hatton
Some say life is like a box of chocolates, because 'you never know what you're going to get'.
These people are idiots. Who the hell adopts a quote from a 'slow' movie character as their personal credo, anyway? Sure, I watched Forrest Gump. I watched Rain Man, too, but you don't see me nodding sagely and proclaiming, 'I...
93). Nightclub For Baby Boomes Raided; Patrons Nabbed For Dropping Antacid By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
A trendy new nightclub that caters to baby boomers who find themselves unexpectedly single was raided by police last night. Acting on a tip from a twenty-something couple who entered the hotspot by accident, police were able to determine that many of the partying patrons were dropping antacid.
The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, cl...
94). Ken Lay Explains Behavior With Poem From Childhood: "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep." By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Ken Lay, the famously charming Texan from dirt-poor beginnings, who rose to be the toast of Houston before Enron, the company he founded, became toast, finally took the stand this week and, as expected, performed in his winning manner.
He based his defense for the debacle that occurred under his chairmanship on a poem that he maintains...
95). Met Meets Greece's Request; Returns Ancient Toilet Seats By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, having recently agreed to return one of the finest vases in its collection from the Classical Age of Ancient Greece, has also consented to return the collected toilet seats from the ancient Cretan port city of Ephesus.
The decision has come as a welcome relief to the Greek tourist board, whose embarrasse...
96). Things I have learned By : Jan Michaels
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. But if you do, sleep in the bathtub ...
If you are extremely drunk and swear you will never drink too much again, you will forget this when you are sober.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieve...
97). U. S. Ends Oil Dependency; Turns B. S. Into Fuel By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
While America is experiencing a gasoline shortage, the nation’s dependence on foreign oil is about to end.
A researcher at The Department of Energy, from which breakthrough ideas emanate on a regular basis, noticed that Americans, along with most people who ever lived, have a virtually unlimited and renewable supply of B. S. He wondere...
98). Proof Tax Laws Faulty: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Set To Declare Bankruptcy By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
As the distribution of wealth in America becomes increasingly skewed toward the wealthiest 7% or so of the population, where we find more and more resplendently bedecked billionaires, the income of the other 93% of the populace continues to go the way of wealthiest.
The growing destitution of this significant segment of the population ...
99). Basketball For Short People: Basket To Be Lowered By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Since the 1950s, when short but fast players had a chance of making it onto a professional court – such as the legendary Bob Cousy of the Boston Celtics, known for startling innovations like dribbling and passing behind the back – the sport has been dominated by ever taller athletes, starting with the arrival of Wilt, The Stilt, Chamberlain.
...
100). The Finer Points of Poverty By : Timothy Ward
I'm poor. And I'm not ashamed of it. Actually, I'm kind of proud of myself for being poor. It's an accomplishment that many people will never attain. Some people will go through their whole life and never know what it's like to experience some of the finer points of poverty like eating ramon noodles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 5 days a week. M...
101). Microsoft Vista To Support Only Microsoft Products; Denies Monopolistic Intent By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Microsoft announced today that its new Vista operating system would support only products made by Microsoft.
The announcement immediately set off a tsunami of furious responses from all the other software companies and a renewed sharp eye from regulatory authorities.
The company effusively denied that the move is in any wa...
102). Conversation In An Age Of Confusion By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
What do people talk about when they all believe different things and nobody is sure what the other person believes?
Then you add to that the usual courtesy that most people don’t want to offend other people, especially when it comes to the topics people disagree about with the most intensity, such as politics and religion, which all bu...
103). Cell Phones and the Dentist By : Cynthia Pinsonnault
Don't you just hate people who talk on their cell phones while they drive? Blindly babbling away, not paying attention to the road, endangering everyone nearby … so inconsiderate.
Anyway, today while I was chatting on the phone and driving to the dentist, I got a tiny bit distracted and turned onto the wrong road … twice. But I cleverl...
104). Malice In “I Wonder Who I Am” Land By : God's Penman
For many years I maintained confidence in my personal identity. I knew exactly who I was and was quite comfortable in my skin. Although, I must confess my skin used to fit me better than it does these days.
Recently several things happened to shake this confidence in my person. I don’t know about anyone else, but I take pride in my per...
105). Clever Mayor Roy Nagen: Has Runoff Election With White Guy Who Looks Just Like Roy Himself By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
We wouldn’t even hazard a guess at the odds against such a outcome, but the runoff election in New Orleans looks about as bizarre as anything you’re likely to see even in the Mardi Gras.
Roy Nagen, the Mr. Malaprop of mayoral politics, who alienated white voters when he voiced the proud hope of making the city, in the wake of Katrina, ...
106). Another Dracula, Another Flop By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
This week Warner Brothers joined the Walt Disney company in attempting to transform Broadway from a venue with a whisper of hope for social relevance into one that presents works that are the intellectual equivalent of Mickey Mouse caper.
If Disney could do it with, for example, The Lion King, why couldn’t Warner Brothers find a proper...
107). Infant Author Accused Of Plaigarism; Copied Sounds In Nursery By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
A newborn infant, who showed unusual promise in the hospital nursery in the modulation of her of coos and cries and was immediately swept from her mother’s arms to Harvard University, has now been disgraced as a mere plagiarist.
It seems that the infant, commissioned to write an original succession of coos and cries by a wily book pack...
108). Eternal Wit By : J Square Humboldt
Whoever said, "You can't take it with you" was obviously not referring to a sense of humor ...
Here is a list of actual epitaphs from departed souls who clearly had more to say than the time to say it, or from their next of kin, who wanted to be sure they literally had the last word:
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East D...
109). Halloween Howler By : Deanna Mascle
1. What rock star worked as a gravedigger before starting his musical career?
A. Roy Orbison
B. Billy Joel
C. Mick Jaggar
D. Rod Stewart
1. What famous rock star worked as a gravedigger before starting his musical career?
D. Rod Stewart
TBD: That wasn't The QuizQueen's guess either, but that's what t...
110). Bolivian President Evo Morales: Expropriates Energy Company Assets While Accusing Them Of Stealing By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
The new leftist President of Bolivia, Evo Morales, wasted no time sending his nation’s underdeveloped economy into a tailspin by expropriating the assets of the energy companies who had made major investments in his impoverished land.
But, clever fellow that he is, he couched the counterproductive theft in terms of preventing the compa...
111). Sentencia Interruptus: The Texas Pause By : Dianne James
I've actually never heard anyone talk about this, so it's up to me to break the news to the world about this phenomenon. It can be a monumental problem, if you don't know about it, understand it, and adhere to its rule. "It" is, and I believe I've aptly named it, Sentencia Interruptus, or commonly known (or soon will be) as the Texas Pause. Problem...
112). Chinese Horoscope By : Dr. Jeff Banas
I am not the author of this is but it is cool and WERID!Chinese Horoscope,THIS IS TOO FUN...... AMAZINGLY ACCURATE Whateve
113). Are We Too Competitive? By : Gina Schreck
Are we too competitive?Are you a little competitive? Would you consider yourself a RAGING MANIAC when it comes to a good competition? Welcome
114). Hand me my Thongs! By : Thck Mick
When I was a fart, thongs were somewhat different to what they are now.As I understood it, thongs were made of steel, cast iron and brass.
115). CALLING ALL DORKS & DINGBATS! By : Theolonius McTavish
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.CALLING ALL DORKS & DINGBATS!Or, where do all those daffy ding-a-lings from Canada call hom
116). A PINT OF YOUR BEST "BUGBEAR" PLEASE By : Victoria Elizabeth
Copyright Victoria Elizabeth 2004. All rights reserved.A PINT OF YOUR BEST "BUGBEAR" PLEASE-- Toorah For Those Tittilating Tag-Names
117). To Brand or Not to Brand - That is NOT the Question. By : Donna Lehman
Think you can’t afford to pay attention to branding? That it’s only for the rich and largest? Think again. No matter what size company you are – you r
118). THE TWISTED-TONGUE TOURNAMENT By : Adrian Air-of-Sleet
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005THE TWISTED-TONGUE TOURNAMENT-- Or, Calling All Weird-Word Whizbangers! --
119). LESSON FROM HUNDRED ACRE WOOD By : Theolonius McTavish
Copyright 2004 by Theolonius McTavish. All rights reserved.LESSON FROM HUNDRED ACRE WOOD-- Or, wabbit hunting is for wimps --Some
120). Don't Be Incredible By : Harry Hoover
Public relations is all about credibility andtrustworthiness. If you don't practice PR, then you arelikely to be incredible.Some of th
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