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1). Letting Go Of Perfection "The power of discovery enables us to achieve excellence without having to be "perfect.'" – Thomas Crum, The Magic of Conflict I arrived at the conference center ready to present my workshop. Almost immediately I noticed the room was too small and it was not set up as requested. There were no flipcharts and there were tab... 2). Make Their Day "Use every man after his desert, and who shall 'scape whipping? Use them after your own honour and dignity: the less they deserve, the more merit is in your bounty." – Hamlet, William Shakespeare When was the last time someone made your day – or you made theirs? In the national bestselling book, FISH!, by Stephen C. Lundin Ph.D., Harry... 3). Giving Others the Benefit of the Doubt There’s a saying in aikido, “There are many lessons on the mat.” It means that when we’re practicing aikido we’re not just learning aikido, we’re also learning about life. For example, when someone grabs my wrist too hard and I get angry but don’t say anything, I eventually learn that it would be more useful to ask him not to grab so hard. I may al... 4). Keeping Conflict in Perspective A friend told me about a conflict she was having with her next door neighbor. Due to a misunderstanding the neighbor was pretty upset, so much so that when they passed on the street and my friend said hello and reached out to shake his hand, he withdrew it, avoided eye contact, muttered a monotone “hi” and quickly walked past her. 5). A Gift of Energy "When attack becomes dance, everything is seen as a gift of energy." That sounds great, doesn't it? Couldn't we all use a little more energy from time to time? I know I could. Right now, for instance, as I sit with a blanket over my shoulders, sipping lemon tea and hoping that the next coughing spasm is not as ferocious as... 6). Breathing: The Way Back to Balance “If you don’t like what’s happening in your life, change your mind.” This brief quotation from the Dalai Lama reminds me that my experience of life changes as I do. As I change, I change the way I influence - and am influenced by - my surroundings. How are you inventing your life today? How does the way you think affect y... 7). Difficult Conversations – Getting Started Is there a conversation you've been putting off? Is there a coworker or family member with whom you need to talk - but don't? Maybe you've tried and it didn't turn out as you had hoped. Or maybe you fear that talking will only make things worse. Whatever the reason, you feel stuck and you'd like to free up that energy for more useful purposes. 8). Taking Yourself Too Seriously? - Suggestions for Reclaiming Your Perspective "We can change our circumstances by a mere change of our attitude." - William James, 19th Century American psychologist and philosopher I've noticed I often take myself, my work, and my life way too seriously. I blow events out of proportion, demand perfection, and generally behave as if my needs are at the center of everything... 9). Working with Difficult People: 3 Questions to Help You Turn Your Tormentors into Teachers When faced with the prospect of meeting with a confrontational employee, the project manager of a New Hampshire insurance company heaved a sigh. Not again, he thought to himself. Every conversation with this guy is a struggle. He decided to use the meeting as an opportunity to shift perspective and try a new approach. He began by imagi... 10). Workplace Conflict: FAQs - An Interview with Judy Ringer Does conflict disrupt your workplace environment? Read on! Judy Ringer answers some commonly asked questions on the subjects of workplace conflict, difficult people, and how to manage them more effectively. Q. What are some typical breakdowns in the workplace? JR: I wouldn’t call them breakdowns, but conflicts. A typical... 11). Reflections on a New Image Occasionally I have an identity crisis. I think that's good. From time to time I have to ask myself questions like: Who am I? What am I doing? Do I like doing it? Am I good at it? Will it help the world? and How does the world know I'm doing it? It began this time when I asked a friend and colleague to help me with the process of reexa... 12). Are You Worried? 4 Steps to Peace of Mind A friend has this quotation on his office wall: "I know worry works because nothing I worry about ever happens." I think I must believe that, because I worry a lot -- and about the most insignificant things. I worry about the big things, of course, like health, relationships, and finances. But I'm also liable to fret about anything and... 13). Conflict and Change: Managing Emotional Energy The beginning of a new year, like the beginning of anything, brings with it thoughts of change, rejuvenation, new life, and resolutions about how to accomplish these changes. Life offers possibilities of a fresh start for our relationships. But we don't always carry through on our resolutions. There's a great difference between wan... 14). The Greatest Gift "Go ahead, Judy, talk to your father. What do you want to say?" With these words offered by my favorite Aunt Mimi, I was given the greatest gift—the gift of myself. Mimi and I had gone on an aunt-niece shopping adventure, and at age 15, I became the proud owner of my first mini-skirt. Upon seeing it, my dad hit the roof, and as usual,... 15). Thank You Very Much – Turning Problems Into Gifts I am a martial artist and black belt in aikido, a practice that continues to teach me about life, both on and off the mat. For example, at the end of each aikido practice, I express gratitude to my partners by bowing and saying: "Thank you very much." I've found over the years that sometimes I have obvious reasons to say thank you - working with th... 16). Practice Makes Perfect: Changing Your Communication Habits One Step At a Time We are what we do repeatedly, Excellence, therefore, is not an act, It is a habit. -- Aristotle The concept of practice applies to any skill that you want to cultivate. If you take up a new musical instrument, you will need to practice a while before you're ready to give your first concert. In Aikido, the ma... 17). We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations Think of a conversation you’ve been putting off. Got it? Great. Then let’s go. There are dozens of books on the topic of difficult, crucial, challenging, important (you get the idea) conversations (I list several at the end of this article). Those times when you know you should talk to someone, but you don’t. Maybe you’ve tried and it ... 18). How to Keep a Good Employee: Look, Listen, Learn Recently a client told me a wonderful story about how a change of attitude helped her to keep a valued employee. Angry and grumbling about one of the provisions in the company policy, the employee asked for a private meeting with my client, the owner of a small sales company, and began to tell her in direct terms what was wrong. The c... 19). Keep the Channel Open Why do you do what you do? What is your real work in the world, and why is it important to know the answer? I'm an entrepreneur at heart. I have started and run several businesses, and as I look back, I think the most important element in financial and personal success is awareness of purpose and the capacity to stay open to it. ... 20). Holiday "Ki" Moments: Choosing Your Best Self "I like to think of myself as an artist, and my life is my greatest work of art. Every moment is a moment of creation, and each moment of creation contains infinite possibilities. I can do things the way I've always done them, or I can look at all the different alternatives, and try something new and different and potentially more rewarding. Eve... 21). How Are You Inventing Your Life Today? "Organisms do not experience environments, they create them." -- From A Simpler Way, by Margaret Wheatley Walking down Lincoln Avenue in Portsmouth, I am struck by the beauty of the day – forsythia, tulips and daffodils, bright sun, warm breeze – and the freedom and privilege I have to walk in a healthy body, through a fri... 22). Knowing When I'm Not: 4 Suggestions for Developing a Strong Center The more I practice centering, the more I realize that as important as it is to be able to identify and access the centered state, it is equally important to be able to know when I'm NOT centered. Otherwise, how do I choose? When I'm centered I'm in control of my behavior. Centered action is on purpose and by choice. Uncentered action... 23). It’s a Habit Do you sometimes have the feeling that you're running into the same obstacles over and over again? Many of my conflicts have the same feel to them, like "Hey, I think I've been here before," but I can't figure out how I wound up in the same place. The situation is different, but the conflict feels the same. I first read this poem in "... 24). Nothing More Than Feelings "How are you Inventing Your Life Today?" – the lead story from my last issue of Power & Presence – drew comments from several readers. Most of the comments went something like: "I wish I could have the degree of control over my life that you apparently do." I want to say, I wish I had the degree of control over my life that it a... 25). Advocate Respectfully This is one of a series of brief articles on holding difficult conversations. In earlier issues of Ki Moments, I suggested ways to open communications that create mutual respect; we talked about the importance of knowing your purpose for the conversation; and we added Inquiry and Curiosity to our conversational toolbox. Here the topic is Advocacy. 26). Be Curious – And Be A Successful Communicator There are many ways to improve the way you communicate. For example, you will always start things off on the right foot by opening the conversation in a way that creates mutual respect. Using phrases such as, "If you have a minute, I'd like to talk with you about something that I think will improve the way we work together," helps set your conversa... 27). Night and Day: Choosing Your Reality "There's nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so." - William Shakespeare The title of this great Cole Porter song -Night and Day - also describes the sometimes changeable nature of my outlook on life. Example: It is late evening, and I'm thinking about all I have to accomplish in the week ah... 28). The Hot Tub I swim most mornings at the community pool and then, if there’s time, reward myself with a soak in the hot tub. It's a great tub with room for four or five people, the water is really hot, and you can turn the bubbles on or off. My favorite soak is when I'm alone and the water is still. I sit quietly and enjoy the serenity before my day begins. 29). Have a Present Moment! It was the 10th day of rain, and I walked into the pool locker room feeling a little soggy around the edges. I asked my pool friend, Laurie, how she was and she said, "Bright and cheery. It's a wonderful day and I'm going to accomplish a lot of good things." Laurie, who is recovering from hip surgery and on most days can be seen walking around the ... 30). Go Where Your Energy is Strong "Keep your center and you’ll know which way you have to go." – Terry Dobson, aikidoist and author, Aikido In Everyday Life I had undertaken a project that I was beginning to feel was beyond my personal resources to accomplish. I had asked a friend and colleague if I might organize a workshop in the New England area that he would ... 31). Being the Mountain As I hiked up the path to the Peaceful Valley Chapel, I relished the quiet of my early morning solitude. After many years as a participant and assistant instructor at Thomas Crum's Journey To Center Program, this beautiful and energizing ten-minute hike had become a personal ritual. Each morning of each Journey to Center week, before our breathing ... 32). Living on Purpose: One Rock at a Time I just got back from Colorado where I spent a week relaxing, re-energizing and revisiting the key values in my life. The lodge where I stayed is called Peaceful Valley, and it has a chapel on the premises. I’ve been to Peaceful Valley and to this chapel many times over the years. The chapel is at the end of a steep ten-minute hike, which has become... 33). Work, Work, Work: Making Each Moment Count Time, time, time. It seems there is never enough of this precious life support. In a previous story about time, I quoted the following aphorism: TIME IS MY FRIEND TIME IS MY ALLY I HAVE ALL THE TIME I NEED FOR EVERYTHING I WANT TO DO. I received a lot of grateful responses and some questions, indicating j... 34). Happy Holidays? It’s Up To You The Holiday Season. Does time seems to compress, or is it just me? There's so much going on - the end of autumn, the beginning of winter, and all the holidays that follow. As a child it was an exciting time of year. As an adult, it seems filled with more shopping, baking, parties, and other events than I can squeeze into the available time. 35). Centering Defined: What, How and Why? What is center? How do you choose to be centered, and why? In what ways can you develop a strong center? As a student and instructor of the Japanese martial art Aikido, and as a professional speaker and trainer, I often present on this topic and, in addition, have made centering a life practice. I say practice, because that is what it... 36). Communicating on Purpose Last week I attended an excellent 2-day workshop called "Staying Grounded When on the Spot," offered by the Public Conversations Project, in Watertown, MA. Geared to help facilitators and trainers manage challenging group moments, I found that the skills applied in a variety of settings, including one-on-one communication "hot spots." ...